


I Still Don't Feel Safe in My Brain

by ConfusedHufflepuff



Category: The Strange Case of Starship Iris (Podcast)
Genre: Forky should be a legit character, Gen, RJ Needs a Hug, They all need hugs, To Be Continued
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-12-26 00:50:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18272441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConfusedHufflepuff/pseuds/ConfusedHufflepuff
Summary: RJ has some feelings. Sana is a mom. Park tries his best to help.





	1. I'm Fine

**Author's Note:**

> Most of this story has to do with RJ feeling a lot of anxiety so read with caution if you think that could negativly affect you.

RJ paced up and down the hallway. Over and over again. Up, down, back. It was the only way they could think of to get the worry out. It didn't work that well, but it gave them something to do. They could focus on the sound of their boots on the floor instead of the thoughts swirling around in their head.

Violet had said if they went with the crew of the Rumor, they wouldn't have to be afraid of their brain anymore. But if anything, RJ's brain had become a worse place to be.

The sound of a door opening jerks RJ out of their thoughts. They stop pacing and turn to see Sana.

"Hi," they awkwardly blurt out.

"RJ." Sana pauses. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine. I'm fine," RJ says quickly. They just want Sana to leave. They don't want to talk about this. About any of it.

Sana takes a few steps towards them.

"RJ, if you want to talk-"

"I'm fine." It comes out louder than it was supposed to. RJ turns away from Sana, trying to keep her from seeing the pain written across their face. They cross their arms over their chest, desperately trying to keep themself together. 

RJ hears footsteps behind them. Sana puts an arm around their shoulders. They tense up. Sana removes her arm.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk, but I think it would help you."

RJ doesn't respond or turn around to look at Sana. But a little bit of tension leaves their body. Part of them wants to talk, needs to talk, but the other part wants to repress this. They take a deep breath.

"Why are so interested in helping me? I barely know you."

Sana laughs. "RJ. You know every song I sing in the shower. Thanks to me, you can probably recite almost everything Birdie and the Swansong ever wrote!"

A joke. A laugh. It makes RJ feel a little better. A little safer.  
"RJ, I know what it's like to leave everything behind. I know this must be hard for you, and I'm here for you. Okay?"

RJ turns to look at Sana. Standing here is kind of surreal. RJ never dreamed they'd meet the crew of the Rumor, much less be traveling with them, having a conversation about feelings with their captain.

RJ takes a deep breath.

"It's just-" they pause, searching for the right words. "During the war, they seemed so good. The IGR. I was quick to join them. I thought we were doing the right thing. I thought we were helping people. Now I'm on a ship full of smugglers, being chased by the thing I would've given my life protecting. By people I've admired for so long." RJ buries their face in their hands. Sana puts her arm around their shoulders again. This time RJ finds it comforting.

"RJ, you're going to be okay, You're going to get through this. We're going to get through this." Sana takes a moment to collect her thoughts. "I'll be here for you, even though I barely know you. But I think you should talk to someone who does know you. I think you should talk to Lenny."

Talk to Park?! About feelings?! Park was RJ's role model. They looked up to him. Or at least they had, but then Park betrayed the IGR. But RJ had done the same thing! They really needed to stop thinking about this, the more they did, the more complicated and confusing it got.

"It's just a suggestion, you don't have to," Sana says with a laugh. "You should see the look on your face when I suggested that. It was priceless." RJ smiles a little at that. Sana takes her arm off RJ's shoulders. "I have to go check on Violet, see if the med bay has everything she needs. You could go help Arkady find Forky if you want." And with that, Sana is gone, leaving RJ to ponder what she meant by "Forky."


	2. I guess I’m here, if you want to talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RJ talks to Park. Krejjh and Jeeter interrupt.

“Alright McCabe, spit it out.” Park walks through the kitchen door.

“What?” RJ looks up at him.

“You’ve been acting really weird around me for the past few days. Is there something you want to say?” RJ didn’t think they’d been acting that weird. They were just avoiding Park at all costs so they wouldn’t have to think about whether or not to talk to him.

Now that they thought about it, they’d been really obvious. But they didn’t know if they wanted to talk to Park yet. Or at all.

“Do you have any idea what Forky is?” RJ asks instead of talking about their feelings.

Park takes a sip of the coffee he’s holding.

“From what I’ve gathered Forky is a fork.”

“That’s it?”

“Pretty much. I could tell you more, but I suspect there's a better reason to explain how weird you’ve been acting.” Park takes a seat at the table across from RJ.

RJ looks away from him. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. RJ was supposed to be able to do this on their own time. They were supposed to be able to give this at least a few more days. 

“McCabe.” RJ looks up at him. It’s still unsettling to look at his face and only see one eye. 

“Why is your leg shaking so much?”

“Oh,” RJ says, as they quickly stop shaking. “I’m sorry it just happens when I get really anxious,” they say quickly, back to not making eye contact with Park.

“Umm...I guess I’m here, if you want to talk,” Park says, clearly a little uncomfortable.

RJ’s not sure how to feel about Park’s uncomfortability. On the one hand, this is weird for him too, on the other, RJ wants to talk to someone who knows how to say the right thing to make them feel better and Parks doesn't seem like he's in the best place to do that right now.

Before RJ can respond, Krejjh and Jeeter walk in, mid-conversation.

“No, it’s really cool. He made up multiple languages for the books, one of which you can be almost fluent in and has like, complex grammar and stuff.” Jeeter says passionately.

“Bud, I’m sure it’s a great read, but it’s just so long,” Krejjh groans.

“But dude, it's so cool! Tolkien created two different dialects of Elvish and one like, evolved from the other-” Jeeter suddenly seems to realize he and Krejjh aren’t alone. “Oh hey Lenny, hey RJ.”

“Hey,” Park says.

“Are we interrupting something?” Krejjh asks. 

“No, it’s fine.”

“You sure, ‘cuz you both look really uncomfortable.” 

“Krejjh, let’s just go back to our bunk and you can start read-”

“Crewman Jeeter,” Krejjh interrupts. “Theh-shlow-lay, but I am not reading your thousand-page nerd book.”

“Tolkien actually wrote like 20 books relating to the land of Arda,” Brian said, sounding defeated. Krejjh laughs.

“You’re so cute.”

“Maybe we could watch the movies?” Brian asks hopefully.

“Fine. But then we have to get caught up on Sh’th Hremreh.”

“Alright, deal.” Brian pauses. “What were we doing in the kitchen?” Krejjh ponders the question for a few seconds.

“I have no idea.”

“Well then, let’s go binge all nine hours of The Lord of the Rings,” Brian says, bounding out of the kitchen.

“Nine hours?!” Krejjh runs out after him.

“Well,” Park says after a few seconds of awkward silence. He takes another sip of coffee. “I guess I’ll just go back to my bunk,” he says, starting to stand up.

“Wait.” RJ didn't plan on saying anything; it just happened. And now they can't take it back.

“Yes, McCabe?” Park sits back down. 

“Nothing, I didn’t...just...I...you can go.”

“McCabe, what is it?”

“I just,” oh god, they’re really going to do this. They’re really about to start talking about feelings with Park.

“It’s just," they pause. "I don't know what I've gotten myself into. I betrayed the IGR; you betrayed the IGR, we’re on the run from the IGR! I just don’t feel totally okay with any of that. I trusted you, I trusted the IGR, but then you betrayed the IGR and my trust, but I also betrayed the IGR and their trust, and I-”

“McCabe. Calm down, take a deep breath. Stop shaking so much.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But I did.” RJ’s crying now. They wipe a few tears out of their eyes. “I betrayed the IGR; I sided with a bunch of smugglers! But the IGR wanted us to kill a dwarnian ...but maybe they had a good reason? But that would have started a war...but maybe I should have killed Krejjh; then I wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place!” RJ buries their head in their hands.

Park stands up and walks around the table to sit next to McCabe. 

“RJ, listen to me. None of this is your fault. Trust me; things would be worse if you had killed Krejjh. And sooner or later, you would start to listen to all the treasonous thoughts swirling around in the back of your brain. It’s better this way.” 

“Violet said I wouldn’t be scared of my brain anymore,” RJ says quietly. “But that’s not true. I’m still scared of my brain.”

Park abruptly stands up. “I’ll be right back,” he says and walks out of the room. RJ watches him leave, very confused. As they turn back to the table in front of them, they spot what seems to be a fork, bent almost completely into a circle, lying under the table.

“Forkey?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Theh-shlow-lay" is dwarnian for "I love you" and "Sh’th Hremreh" is Krejjh and Jeeter's favoite dwarnian soap opera.
> 
> It's been a long time headcanon of mine the Jeeter would be really into Tolkien's work because Tolkien created so many complex languages, so that's why that's in there.
> 
> There will be a third chapter coming sometime soon.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I love RJ way to much


End file.
